請幫我看看這篇作文如何修改為6分呢

[Judy1]

親愛的戰友們
請幫我看看這篇剛出爐的作文
如何可達6分呢
最近打的幾篇作文
都是5至6分
都無法達到 6分至6分
真是有些挫折
不知問題出在哪裡
這篇作文是原稿 350字
錯字依然在上面未修改
原文呈現啦
請多指教囉
感恩啦

Topic: Money and success

Is it widely known that people who earn a lot of money are successful only? In a modern society, people always face the dilemma to choose whether wealth is successful or health is successful. This problem is the much debated one in that it affects everyone in their lives. On the one hand, some people assert that earning money is successful ; on the other hand, other people believe that holding health is successful. However, in the final judgment, I conclude that holding fitness is successful. In the following discussion, I would like to present evidence to support my point of view.

The first argument that can be presented to deveplop my position is that holding health is successful. For example, when we hold health to have emergy to do more things, we can make more contribution to others in the sme time. In short, there is no better example than this to illustrate the strength of holding health.

In addition, there is another reason for me to cosider this statement is worong. The reason is nor far to seek: earning money is hamful . For instance, let us consider that when we pay attention to earning money, we can not hold health. Hence, not only should we hole fitness but also we should set close relationship.

Finally, as a proverb says "Everything has two sides." Although I admit that there are a couple of advantages of wealth , I still think that the defects of it are more obvious. In fact, we will find out that the advantages of health outweigh those of wealth. Therefore, I think that choosing health is a rather wise decision, but I have not denied the opinion that choosing wealth.

In summary, given the reasons discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic hole and thus become more persuasive, we may safely come to the conclusion that holding health is successful because it make us to do more things and we can have more close relationship. To sum up, I will conclude my argument by emphasizing that only when we have health and love will we are successful.