請高手們幫忙看看...我的personal statement

[ntustsmallcat]

各位前輩們，最近寫到ps，想請大家幫我看看...
Now, as it was then, people attach great importance to the success of their children, and take great pride in it. The pleasure derived from the success of one’s children sometimes even surpasses that of one’s own success. The Chinese have a long-held tradition that emphasizes learning, and the most important wish of parents is for their children to do well in school. My parents are no exception: their greatest wish is for me to earn a PhD from a top university.
我覺得The Chinese ... in school.這句有點多餘，想把它刪掉，大家覺得呢？還是要加點什麼呢？

此外，有另一段寫到
"記得高中某次上物理課，老師講了一個故事，華裔物理學家丁肇中在他20歲時隻身前往美國密西根大學學習數學和物理學，僅用了5年多時間就獲得物理、數學雙學士和物理學博士。之後更在獲得Nobel Prize of Physics諾貝爾物理學獎的頒獎典禮上，用中文發表自己的演講，雖然以前有華人獲獎者，但沒有用中文作演講。"
我翻譯成
I remember a high school Physics class I took, in which the teacher told a story about an overseas Chinese physicist, Samuel Chao Chung Ting. When he was 20 years old, he went to the University of Michigan to study Mathematics and Physics, earning a Bachelor’s degree in both subjects and a PhD in Physics in just five years. He went on to earn the Nobel Prize in Physics and gave his acceptance speech in Chinese, which had never been done before despite Chinese people having previously been awarded this prize.
不知道好不好？還請諸位牛人不吝給予意見。謝謝。

[unperfect]

??????大大,我看不出寫這些會對您的sop有啥幫助的?

[davidlee0222]

agree
這些都是other people's statement
基本上是irrelevant

adcom要看的是您自己的立場表述
這樣顯示了兩個現象
第一是您文不對題
弟二是您無自身了解

[ntustsmallcat]

感謝各位的提醒，我知道，不過，學校規定
Personal Statement
How have your personal background and life experiences, including social, cultural, familial, educational, or other opportunities or challenges, motivated your decision to pursue a graduate degree ? This is not an Academic Statement of Purpose, but a discussion of the personal journey that has led to your decision to seek a graduate degree.

so...

[davidlee0222]

上面提到的都是外在的社會觀念
並不是您本身的經驗體認

社會怎麼看跟誰念了什麼校系
跟您父母親要您念什麼

都跟您的自主意願無關

人家拿了幾個博士+諾貝爾獎 用哪國語言演講
跟您要唸書與不唸書
並沒有任何關係

就上述文字
並沒有任何您自身的動機或經驗體認
這些跟您無關的文字都需要整段刪除

重點是"your" personal background and life experiences
motivated your decision to pursue a graduate degree

[rkevin]

一點建議:
My parents are no exception: their greatest wish is for me to earn a PhD from a top university.

看到這段我會覺得其實你並不想念博士班

[ntustsmallcat]

ok...我知道了...謝謝大家的建議...