[轉貼]From Bweek MBA Forum - Take a look if you wanna do IB

[william]

Smiling Through Gritted Teeth
By Anonymous

The following is one student's account of his summer in investment banking. It's a chain of e-mails to the homeland, unedited for effect:

Week 1: OhmygodwhathaveIdone.

Firstly, I'd just like to say that despite the best efforts of you guys to ply me with shots, and the emotional blackmail surrounding my early (3:30am) departure, I not only made my 8am flight, but the 14 hours on the cramped stuffy plane passed like a beautiful dream. Mainly because I slept more on the flight than I had during the preceding three nights combined.

Hong Kong is a nice place - at least it looks nice from the window of my office and apartment, which is pretty much all I've seen. My apartment is nice, though somewhat "Efficient". Lets just say that this isn't the town for people who are claustrophobic.

As for the job, Wow! 14-16 hours a day. 6 - 7 days a week. These guys are 100% (and I mean 100%) about the job. What is surprising is that these hours just seem to be as a result of it being the "Done thing". These guys are really inefficient in their work practices. Personally, I'm not getting managed, and have been unable to "set expectations". I have found out that its desirable for interns to "demonstrate initiative", though apparently trying to clarify what the task is, or finding out if reference material is available spoils this somewhat.

Hopefully this is just a case of new job blues in a new country, but so far I'm not impressed. Hopefully the folks in NY are having a more constructive experience.

What I learned this week: I am a Gwailo - "Friend from the west"

Week 2: Disenchanted.

This week things cranked up a little for me. I actually got some stuff to do, utilizing not corp-fin, not strategy, but rather Microsoft Office. I also geared up from working 12 - 14 hours a day to working 14 - 18 hours a day. It's not so much that I mind the time (though I was starting to get a little giddy towards the end of the week), but the work I'm doing (and that the associates here in general are doing) is a tad mundane.

For example, during the week I scripted a presentation. I'd come up with something like "Company X is the market leader in Market Y". Which would be changed in the first review to "In Market Y, company X is the market leader", in the second review to "Company X has managed to establish a market leading position in Market Y", in the third review to "Company X holds the Number 1 position in Market Y"... etc. This process would continue for every point in the presentation, until around 3AM, or until we'd run out of tenses. The particularly ironic point is that this script was for a guy who's English is really bad. I don't really think he'd appreciate the subtlety of our changes.

My impression was that this job was heavily analytical, requiring a lot of Corp fin and strategy skill. It turns out that that's not the job at all. The role is fundamentally a sales role. These guys are jumped-up used car salesmen.

The corp-fin is at an extremely high level. Models, etc., are already built, an associate's value add is to go through the annual reports and key in the numbers and an answer is cranked out. As for strategy, these guys will pitch anything and everything. One VP proudly told me that they'd put together over 30 books (pitches) for this company this month. It occurs to me, cynical soul that I am that if they had of done some research, they could have hit the mark first or second time out. All the effort goes into the glitz of the presentation, not the substance.

So, the long and short of it is that, I'm spending 100 hours a week, doing a semi-skilled job that could easily be done in half the time by someone straight out of school.

Of course I've only been here for a couple of weeks. I could be completely misinterpreting the subtleties of this job. And of course if anyone asks, I'm having a fantastic time, really challenging great exposure.

What I learned this week: Being disorganized makes you seem important.

Week 3: Or as I like to think of it 7 weeks to go.

This week was a little easier in terms of hours, (a lackadaisical 14 per), though the work took a bit of a nose dive in the "interesting" stakes. And lets be clear here, there wasn't really much altitude to begin with.

This week, I got to channel my industry experience - hard won in three different continents, my finance and strategy skills- the competitive advantage us GSBers have over the other B-Schools, and my expansive interpersonal skills, honed to Jedi levels in the LEAD program, towards the challenging task of data entry.

Its not that I bothered so much by doing a job that a smart monkey could quite reasonably accomplish, I'm just annoyed that monkeys have their unions so well organized that they don't have to stoop to this kind on thing.

If anyone knows an easy way to break into the VC industry, please let me know.

What I learned this week: Being rude to support staff makes you seem important.

Week 4: Utor

Well, another week of high jinx and hilarity out here, which I'll continue to share, as therapy for me, and for amusement for you guys.

The approach these guys have to doing business is literally unbelievable. I spent a couple of days working with a senior associate on a presentation. Being almost completely brainwashed before the summer, I made sure to "Set expectations" and "Clarify objectives" several times to make sure that I was headed in the right direction. You could tell he was a little uncomfortable being pinned down to specifics, or at the very least, it appeared as if this was an unusual occurrence.

So, I spend a couple of days working on this. Working hard too. I was in till 2am on the first night, 4am the second. Making it back to my desk for 9am both times. Over those two days, I had two reviews with the associate refining what I had produced. Got to the end of the third day and had a final review. This should really have just been a formality, the icing on the proverbial cake.

Instead said associate goes through the presentation with a red pen removes entire sections he asked me to include not 24hours before, requires that basically all text is rephrased (for the hell of it I assume) and requests that all graphs are changed. Changed I may add to a format/time period I suggested on the first day.

So effectively starting from scratch again, I chalk up another 4am night. In 72 hours, I spent 54 of them sitting behind my desk (incl. for lunch and dinner) doing then redoing work, on the whim of one of my colleagues.

Thrown into this we had a bit of a Typhoon over here (that's a hurricane to you and me). We were expressly told during our extensive 3-hour induction training, that in case the typhoon signal was hoisted, we were to go home and stay home. The office would be closed, and you shouldn't go out. Early that evening, the typhoon signal was indeed hoisted and people started to take off.

Aforementioned associate interrupts my preparations to leave, telling me that only "assistants and junior staff" really adhere to that whole typhoon warning guff, and that there was really no reason why we should leave early/not come in the next day.

Eeijit that I am, I listen to this guy, walk home through what was admittedly a wussy typhoon and show up for work on time the next day, to find that there is only a handful of people in the office, with noticeable absences including the associate who gave me the friendly advice.

Interestingly enough, the head of the internship program was in, and (for the first time) took a wander around and do a head count to see how many of us were in (even though we were all (except me) clearly instructed not to come in).

These people are nuts.

I guess I've just got to keep sucking it up and smiling.

What I learned this week: Bankers live in phat apartments.

Week 5 - Halftime

I'm now half way through my internship. Doesn't time fly by when you're being deprived of sleep? Only five more weeks, and then I can get out of here, back to the institutionalized comfort of the GSB. I've got to say, I don't really have too many issues this week. I think in that this internship is like getting repeatedly kicked in the head. After a while, it just stops registering.

Anyway, its amazing what you get used too. I slipped off a couple of times during the week at around 10:30. It felt like I was playing hookey. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had time to watch the news before going to bed, and I had 8 whole hours of sleep one night (which ironically left me feeling rather tired the next day)!

What I learned this week: Ridiculous shirts make you seem important.

Week 6: 40 Leagues south of the Island of Mediocrity

Its time for another excerpt from the running joke that my life has become. Actually not much happened this week. I was asked to give a presentation to the group on the use of one of the models they have here. It seemed a bit of a strange request, given that I was the person who was least familiar with this model in the group. Still if they thought standing in front of a bunch of people talking about something I didn't understand with very little preparation was going to fluster me, they were sadly mistaken. I'm a LEAD facilitator baby.

I also had the prospect of a relatively cushy weekend yanked away from me at lunchtime on Friday. This is kind of funny as I'm asked to prepare a briefing on a company. I got my head down and had at it for 5 solid hours (an unusual occurrence given my attention span), in order to ensure I'd at least be able to get out of the office at a reasonable time At 5PM, I get a call to the effect "Ooops! We're not meeting Company A, We're actually meeting Company B - I hope you haven't wasted too much time".

It was all I could do to thank her for such an excellent opportunity to get to explore another company in detail.

27 days to go, and counting.

What I learned this week: Silly expensive haircuts make you seem important

Week 7: All work and no play makes [NAME REMOVED] a dull boy.

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Week 8: The Axe Falls

Another week has passed in this jewel of the orient (or rat infested sewer, depending on what point of the mood swing you catch me on). Actually, I'm not really being fair, HK is no more dirty than New York or London, though the tropical heat does put emphasis on the Fragrant part of "Fragrant Harbour", and I've only seen one rat the whole time I've been here. That said, he did have a bit of a cocky swagger that led me to believe that he had a lot of friends close by.

On Friday the axe fell. A "Significant" amount (~20%) of the bankers were laid off. Including one of the guys from my group and a guy sitting beside me. Both were really solid guys working crazy hours. In fact, the only thing that I could see that differentiated them from their colleagues was that they were both "pretty nice".

This is a harsh business. You kill yourself for three years, you finally get to the stage were you're going to get some payback and when you walk in one Friday someone shakes you hand and hands you a pink slip.

Do not pass go do not collect $200.

What I found most disconcerting is how their colleagues treated these guys. No farewell lunches. No slapping on the back and offering condolences. People kept their heads down and got on with their jobs. Its a bit like a shooting. Don't stick you head up, or you just might get it shot off.

What I learned this week: Belittling your colleague's efforts behind their back makes you seem important.

Week 9: Wire Happy

"I love this job. I F**KING LOVE IT! You see I'm all about the deal.

A - B - C. Always Be Closing. Yersiree, that's me, that's what I live for. I am all about jamming bonds and kicking ass. I am going to be a Master of the Universe, a Big Swinging Dick. I want to topple industries, and rock whole economies. The kings of industry will get to their feet when I walk into the room. 100% execution, that's what its all about. One hundred percent and then some. I want to be feared by men, and desired by women. Money and power, oh yeah. I'm going to be a banker all right."

. . . . . .

Sorry guys, I've got an exit interview coming up, and I need to have some twaddle ready to go when someone asks me how the summer went, as opposed to the stream of bile that usually leaks out. - The funny thing, and I do mean funny thing is that people here actually believe this stuff. Shallow people doing mundane work with delusions of their own importance - I tell you, it tickles me something shocking.

Anyway, I've got to tell you about this really weird experience I had at the end of the working week. Its something called a "Weekend". Basically it involved going out for a nice meal on Friday, followed by a couple of (reasonably) quiet drinks. Saturday started with a long lie-in, brunch, coffee, hanging out, and a snooze before heading off for some champagne in a bar over looking the skyline. A bar I should say almost as cosmopolitan and sophisticated as what I am. Sunday involved another lie-in, late brunch, a wander around town, snooze, dinner and a trot thought the night market. Helping to fence counterfeit goods was never as much fun.

All of which has left me strangely relaxed and energized.

I think I like these "Weekends" and must make a point of having more of them.

T Minus one - And counting.

Week 10: The Saga ends

The day is finally here. I've made parole, and am looking forward to re-entering "normal" society again. Some of this week's banking anecdotes could include my leaving party, where bankers showed up one by one in an Irish bar, hurriedly had one drink before scuttling back to work, my leaving lunch, where one associate and I grabbed a 30 minute bite as the rest of the folks never quite made it out of the office, as they all had some top urgent smoke and mirrors to arrange, or even the tale of the senior associate who is now my top-best friend, evident by his attempts to bond with me by bad-mouthing fellow colleagues and boasting about how much he's taught me. In truth, the tuition was especially useful. I'd never really been comfortable working with no supervision or direction with such "dynamic" requirements before this.

But to be honest with you, my frustration with these situations has largely evaporated. These guys are their own worst enemies, caught up in a dysfunctional system that they're all secretly proud of and help perpetuate. I'm happy to leave them to it. One VP told us yesterday that there is no better feeling than watching a CEO ink a contract that would change the course of his business forever. Frighteningly I think he's actually convinced himself that that's true.

So what have I got out of the summer?

We'll I've got data retrieval/entry skills that would put any temp secretary to shame. And em . . . well that's it really. I was kind of pissed originally that I didn't get a chance to further hone/refine my finance/strategy skills, but in hindsight, knowing what those jobs DON'T involve is actually a pretty major thing in itself.

I can now put together a model to value a company, secure in the knowledge that the wild assumptions and groundless speculation I make about future performance is pretty much just as valid as the ridiculous projections the professionals make. I no longer have that nagging feeling that I'm missing something. That perhaps I just don't get it.

That, and of course the further development of my interpersonal skills. The fact that I've never actually punched any of these clowns is a clear demonstration of how good I've gotten at dealing with frustration.

Anyway, they say there's no such thing as a bad experience, and that I'm sure is true. I've checked something off my to-do list and dispelled any mystique that this industry had. In addition I'm pretty focused now on what I DO want to do.

So ends the saga.

(What I learned this week: Gwailo is also the name of a stomach illness dogs suffer from)

numbers that is...